My name is Shoshanna and I am a 22 year old female art student who is dealing with Bipolar Disorder II with Rapid Cycling. I have been hospitalized 7 times in 3 years and have received almost 18 Electroconvulsive Therapy Treatments this year (2013) that were unsuccessful. I have been dealing with this disorder since I was a child. It’s been a difficult road. My therapy treatments did not start until I was 12 years old due to cutting.
I always had a fascination with self-harm as a child as I did it on a regular basis by biting my arms to cause pain so that it will take away from the emotional and mental pain that I was and am going through. My first therapist only had me in sessions for about 6 weeks thinking his Methodist ways treated me not noticing that I was still cutting and having major suicidal ideations.
But my first suicide attempt did not come until I went to a private Christian school for my freshmen year. I was severely bullied for my Jewish looks, outed for not being part of the school because everyone has known each other since they were in pre-k, severally sexually harassed to cause me to cut deeply to the point where I almost needed stitches. I was a single girl in an all boys Speech/Drama class. I was outed by these boys for my political beliefs such as equal rights for homosexuals, abortion, etc. I expected to be outed for these beliefs as this school expelled a homosexual student before I attended the school. The sexual harassment has lead to severe trauma that is hard to deal with. I do not trust men and have a hard time maintaining relationships. I also did not fit in and was regularly harassed. One such harassment came in the form of these boys taking everyone’s lock and lock them onto mine. There were about 15 locks on it and I could not find mine and had a mental breakdown that lead to me being sent to the assistant principal’s office. I mentioned cutting and she called my mom without me know to let her know and to come pick me up early. These boys did it right after they sexually harassed me. They were also making fun of homosexuals, the Jewish community, me, and other things. The teacher did not care and did not even take action when I mentioned the sexual harassment.
So for the next semester I had the counselor transfer me to Mass Communications in which I was still ostracized. But I did not let that get to me anymore as I had been released from sexual harassment and bullying. I excelled in the class performing higher than any of the students. I obtained an 100 in the class. At the end of the year was the high achieving ceremony. Everybody clapped for everybody. To my amazement I received the Mass Communications award but no one clapped for me. After I received it and we went back to class the other students were complaining about me getting the award because I had only been in the class for a semester. But my grades outshined everybody else’s performance for the whole year.
Secretly while at this school I applied to the highest ranking school in the nation for the IB Program. I was accepted there and was beyond happy. There was no bullying, no cliques, no hatred. It was all equality. Everyone was equal to each other. It was peace but I was still dealing with issues of suicide attempts, cutting, depression, mania, panic attacks, and insomnia. So my mom had me sent to a quack psychiatrist who did not care and misdiagnosed me. She put me on anti-depressants which are not for bipolar patients. I went CRAZY and completely lost it. I would scream and bursts out into fits. I would breakdown constantly. But I maintained above a 3.5 GPA, was Varsity Golf Captain, earned my IB diploma, and graduated from the highest ranked high school in the nation in 2009.
My next move in life was coming to my art school up north from where I am from. I went through psychologists and psychiatrists as if they were toilet paper. I did not finally settle on one until the summer before my junior year. He is a great doctor even though at times I think he’s trying to kill me with all the medications. My counselor is amazing as well. She understands me and I’ve been with her for two years as well. They have been by me through all my hospitalizations and ECT treatments. It has been a journey to get to my senior year as I have dropped out of classes two quarters due to hospitalizations so it has set me back a year. I will be successfully graduating in May 2014.
I will be adding more about my disease and getting more into the dark side of my life and my struggles.