In Memory of Savannah Danielle Clark

In Memory of Savannah Danielle Clark

December 13, 1991-October 5, 2008.

Committed Suicide just shy of her 18th Birthday. I referenced to her in my first posting. This is a tattoo to remind myself that she has found Paradise and to no longer linger on her death and torture myself over it. It also serves as a reminder that I’ll be in Paradise with her one day as well. I love and miss you Savannah and never will forget your beautiful face, smile, and generosity.

Rest in Peace. <3

Wednesday: July 10, 2013

I was in a psychotic episode after having been forced to go to an AA meeting so this means i had to drive in psychotic episode to this meeting.  i was stressed out with the driving conditions since there was severe rain and flooding on the streets.   After the meeting I drove to my usual parking spot on the 6th floor of the parking garage contemplating ending my life.  I called my mom and spoke with her for about 25 minutes about death and how much I hate life and want to end it so badly.   She said that she would miss me so much and that it would kill her but I told her she has my two older sisters so she can replace me with them like I think she has.   Then I called the on call counselor and spoke for about an additional 30 minutes and she wanted to take me to the ER but I refuse to go back into the hospital for the 8th time and undergo shock treatments.   I hate the hospitals here.   The nurses don’t care about you and refuse to let you make phone calls.  They doll out prescriptions for bedtime at a very late time then wake you up before the cock crows.   

 

So.   I decided to call my psychiatrist’s hotline which goes through the hospital and the receptionist was unbelievably rude whilst I was hysterically crying trying to get ahold of him.  She stated that she called him but when I went to see him the next day it turns out she didn’t.   So I decide to swing on leg over the edge and sit there for a while trying to force myself off the ledge but it didn’t happen.  So I called the OCC again and told her about not reaching the doctor so she said to come in the next day before I saw him to talk.  

 

Thursday

I went in and met with the counselor.   I told her what I did with attempting suicide and she cheered me up even though  insisting on me going to the hospital.   We also told my doctor who wanted me hospitalized but I made a promise to my personal safety.   Turns out my rapid cycling is a reason of all this in addition to my severe insomnia.  i’m awaiting a prescription that has to be sent directly by the manufacturer as it is a highly controlled substance so here I wait and now it’s Saturday.  

This week has been hellish but you know what?  I went to my Chiropractor for the second time this week and he helped me feel better and I went to  Shabot today and I felt way better.  

Hopefully this coming week will be way better than the past three.   

My Life

My name is Shoshanna and I am a 22 year old female art student who is dealing with Bipolar Disorder II with Rapid Cycling.   I have been hospitalized 7 times in 3 years and have received almost 18 Electroconvulsive Therapy Treatments this year (2013) that were unsuccessful.   I have been dealing with this disorder since I was a child.  It’s been a difficult road.   My therapy treatments did not start until I was 12 years old due to cutting.   

 

I always had a fascination with self-harm as a child as I did it on a regular basis by biting my arms to cause pain so that it will take away from the emotional and mental pain that I was and am going through.   My first therapist only had me in sessions for about 6 weeks thinking his Methodist ways treated me not noticing that I was still cutting and having major suicidal ideations.   

 

But my first suicide attempt did not come until I went to a private Christian school for my freshmen year.   I was severely bullied for my Jewish looks, outed for not being part of the school because everyone has known each other since they were in pre-k, severally sexually harassed to cause me to cut deeply to the point where I almost needed stitches.  I was a single girl in an all boys Speech/Drama class.   I was outed by these boys for my political beliefs such as equal rights for homosexuals, abortion, etc.  I expected to be outed for these beliefs as this school expelled a homosexual student before I attended the school.   The sexual harassment has lead to severe trauma that is hard to deal with.   I do not trust men and have a hard time maintaining relationships.  I also did not fit in and was regularly harassed.  One such harassment came in the form of these boys taking everyone’s lock and lock them onto mine.  There were about 15 locks on it and I could not find mine and had a mental breakdown that lead to me being sent to the assistant principal’s office.  I mentioned cutting and she called my mom without me know to let her know and to come pick me up early.   These boys did it right after they sexually harassed me.  They were also making fun of homosexuals, the Jewish community, me, and other things.  The teacher did not care and did not even take action when I mentioned the sexual harassment.   

 

So for the next semester I had the counselor transfer me to Mass Communications in which I was still ostracized.   But I did not let that get to me anymore as I had been released from sexual harassment and bullying.   I excelled in the class performing higher than any of the students.  I obtained an 100 in the class.  At the end of the year was the high achieving ceremony.  Everybody clapped for everybody.  To my amazement I received the Mass Communications award but no one clapped for me.  After I received it and we went back to class the other students were complaining about me getting the award because I had only been in the class for a semester.  But my grades outshined everybody else’s performance for the whole year.   

 

Secretly while at this school I applied to the highest ranking school in the nation for the IB Program.   I was accepted there and was beyond happy.  There was no bullying, no cliques, no hatred.  It was all equality.     Everyone was equal to each other.   It was peace but I was still dealing with issues of suicide attempts, cutting, depression, mania, panic attacks, and insomnia.   So my mom had me sent to a quack psychiatrist who did not care and misdiagnosed me.  She put me on anti-depressants which are not for bipolar patients.   I went CRAZY and completely lost it.   I would scream and bursts out into fits.   I would breakdown constantly.   But I maintained above a 3.5 GPA, was Varsity Golf Captain, earned my IB diploma, and graduated from the highest ranked high school in the nation in 2009.

 

My next move in life was coming to my art school up north from where I am from.  I went through psychologists and psychiatrists as if they were toilet paper.   I did not finally settle on one until the summer before my junior year.   He is a great doctor even though at times I think he’s trying to kill me with all the medications.  My counselor is amazing as well.  She understands me and I’ve been with her for two years as well.   They have been by me through all my hospitalizations and ECT treatments.   It has been a journey to get to my senior year as I have dropped out of classes two quarters due to hospitalizations so it has set me back a year.  I will be successfully graduating in May 2014.   

 

I will be adding more about my disease and getting more into the dark side of my life and my struggles.